Hero comes to after blow on the head

Here’s something I’m not really sure how to write.

At the end of the previous scene, my protagonist was knocked out by a blow to the back of the head.

So now, I have to describe having him wake up.

Wondering if something like this is the idea?

***

Hero became aware of a low rumbling in his head.
Everything was black.
As hero strained his ears, the rumbling turned into a voice saying: “… trying to muscle in on our racket.”
The blackness started lightening to a gray haze.
Hero blinked his eyes with a flutter, and the gray haze became a gray ceiling.
The voice said, “Look, he’s coming around.”
A second voice said, “I’ll get the boss.”

***

Awful?

Passable?

Brilliant?

Feedback welcome.

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Author: Spencer E Hart

A 40-something nerd who came back to RPGs in 2010 after a nearly decade-long Dark Age. In 2015, after a 22-year gap, I felt compelled to try fiction writing again.

1 thought on “Hero comes to after blow on the head”

  1. I like it. It works for me.
    If you want any suggestions, here are mine:

    Everything was black and all the Hero heard was low rumbling. The blackness lighten to gray haze; the rumbling became a voice.

    “… trying to muscle in on our racket,” said the voice.

    Hero blinked his eyes and gray haze became gray ceiling.

    “Look, he’s coming around.”

    “I’ll get the boss,” said a second voice.

    Like

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