“Death on the Moon” – The Cast

Well, I had somebody volunteer to beta-read the first 60% of my story draft “Death on the Moon.”

One thing that the reader was kind enough to point out was that it did not seem easy to visualize the characters, since I was pretty sparse on the physical descriptions and really didn’t do more than barely hint at their backgrounds.

The reader’s visualization of the characters did not match mine in some cases, and that is my failing as the writer.

So as I sat here today watching the John Wayne WWII movie “They Were Expendable” I started thinking which actors in the film were close to my physical visualization of some of the characters in my story.

So here’s how that came out:

Robert Montgomery as Bert Henderson
Robert Montgomery as Bert Henderson
Leon Ames as Chief McCreedy
Leon Ames as Chief McCreedy
Donna Reed as Margaret Oswald
Donna Reed as Margaret Oswald
Jack Holt as Mr. Phillips
Jack Holt as Mr. Phillips

 

Advertisements

Hero comes to after blow on the head

Here’s something I’m not really sure how to write.

At the end of the previous scene, my protagonist was knocked out by a blow to the back of the head.

So now, I have to describe having him wake up.

Wondering if something like this is the idea?

***

Hero became aware of a low rumbling in his head.
Everything was black.
As hero strained his ears, the rumbling turned into a voice saying: “… trying to muscle in on our racket.”
The blackness started lightening to a gray haze.
Hero blinked his eyes with a flutter, and the gray haze became a gray ceiling.
The voice said, “Look, he’s coming around.”
A second voice said, “I’ll get the boss.”

***

Awful?

Passable?

Brilliant?

Feedback welcome.

About 2450 words in…

Just an update, I’m now about 2450 words into the draft of my story. I wrote more than that, but went back and managed to trim almost 200 words from the first few pages.

Now the story has to change gears to mostly physical action scenes. The pot is up to boil and the first big bubble has just popped in the protagonist’s face.

It’s paced kind of like a detective story (at least, that is the plan – I’ve never written one before) in which there is a lot of information-gathering and setting-building in the early going, before the physical confrontation erupts.

Just hope the early part is interesting enough to hook the reader until they get to the physical excitement.